This is my story written a couple of years ago and needs updating, although it should give you a idea of what you are up against to a certain extent.

With having MS I obviously suffer from Fatigue, but over the past few months it has got worse and not on a gradual note neither just all of a sudden. Approx. 2 years ago I tried to commit suicide but I tried to do it slowly so no one would notice, problem been, they did. I was taking a gradual overdose of medication. I asked for help and they took me into a psychiatric hospital for a month, more for time out and my own safety than anything else. I have been seeing a psychiatrist ever since and was seeing a psychological nurse for about a year before that. (He did notice me starting to look drugged up). Ever since I came out of the hospital my husband has taken charge of my medication and won't allow me to make the medication up. I went through a recently decent patch, then, I started going up and down in mood, one minute good the next bad. I was sleeping most of the day and night too. I was staying in my pj's most of the day because I couldn't be bothered to get dressed, this went on for about a week or so. my psychiatrist keeps blaming the meds that I am on for my ms. But it is nothing to do with them, I know that I have been on them for about 4 years now, why would they start acting up now? 

At the moment I am going through a period where I am getting dressed in a morning but I can't be bothered to take a shower, or get washed. My mood is up and down and my husband says that I am snapping at him and I don't even know it. Then I will go on a high where I will try and take everything on at the same time, like taking out a load of courses with Learn Direct and trying to get on courses with the OU at the same time. I know I will never manage everything but still I am trying it out only to fail, which I know I will. I have no appetite and find no pleasure in eating, but then again I keep calling myself fat and have a thing where I think I am the uglist and fattist person alive. I hate myself and what I have become, I go into phases where I am just staring into space. I keep convincing myself that my husband is having an affair, so I have no interest in our sex life, I don't even give him the time of day sometimes but I know he isn't doing anything wrong. All he has done is his best by me and tried to help me, I know that deep inside.

The other night I went to bed, my husband was still down stairs, and I wanted to thump the wall so very much, instead I just burst out crying, which is also a regular occurance, and I am scared that if there had been any medication close at hand that I would have taken it. But there is no reason behind all of this. There is other stuff as well I just can't think of it right now. I need some sort of help but my psychiatrist say I am doing everything for attention.

2 years on! (Update)

The above diagnosis was one given by my old psychiatrist when he first took me on. Now I have a new psychiatrist and I am getting on well with him, although I don't really speak with him, he just asks how I have been since I last saw him and I say whatever, depends on my mood on that particular day really, and he takes everything on that.

I think I have changes a little since I wrote the main content of this page, I am getting dressed on a daily basis, although it maybe only for 4 or 5 hours in the afternoon, but it all counts I suppose. I don't want to be in the house at the minute, I just feel as though I am climbing the walls and I am so fed up of seeing the same walls all of the time. I just feel as though I am ready for a break and want to get away from everything for a while. A holiday is probably what I am talking about, tho I don't know if there is any chance of one at the moment.

We live in a 2 bedroomed maisonnette, you wouldn't think it was big, although it is of a decent size, the rooms are a reasonable size and I love it but feel as though the house work is getting too much for me and I can't keep up with it. My husband thinks it is time to go for a bungalow, but I feel as though I am giving into the MS if I do. It is also the fact that this house has got so much storage, 2 good sized bedrooms and reasonable size living area. It is fitted with a chair lift and a walk in shower. So it is equipped mostly for the disabled as long as you don't end up in a wheel chair and need to get out of the house on your own in the wheel chair, you would kill yourself.

I would love to go for a bungalow but I know that we are not going to get anything close to the size of the place where we live now. Although, it is very ugly from the outside and embarrassing to say that you live inside of it, but it isn't the outside that counts.

Anyway back to the depression, I think when you are having problems with your MS then it knocks your mood down. I often feel down in the dumps and sometimes so alone and empty inside. If I tell my husband how I feel (which he likes me to) then he wants to know what the matter is, or why I feel that way. The problem is, I can't give him a answer. However,  he doesn't understand that, and thinks the problem is with him, which of course it isn't. I often feel like crying, and he always tells me to use his shoulders to cry on, but if I do, then he wants to know why I am crying. He doesn't understand that I can' t tell him. I'm not trying to keep anything from him, just how I am feeling at the time, but there is no cause or reason for me to be able to tell him.

As for been figgity with my legs and hands, that has never changed and I still get pins and needles in my fingers and toes. Allot of the symptoms that I had two years ago still remain the same apart from I'm not trying to commit suicide now, just have a bad case of Asthma or alot of breathing difficulty.

I will try and keep you informed and this page updated as regually as I am able to.

If you have made it this far and still awake, thank you.